Confessions

Hello my luvlies!

Really, really, really long time no see. Upon waking up to a back that felt a bit too wide this morning, I had a revelation. Most of us hate admitting when we have put on weight, or have put back on the weight we have worked so hard to keep off. With that being said, not admitting to ourselves that we have gained weight is dangerous. It puts us in a state of denial which makes it harder to get back into the groove of things. With that being said, there are a number of reasons why I've put back on weight which I want to address in this article. I have been using these as excuses for a while now, but excuses don't bring about change.

How much weight/inches have I gained
To be honest, I do not have an answer to that question. Those of you who have followed my blog in the past know that I never really rely on the scale or the tape measure to track my progress. As of right now and 4 months ago, I am the same exact weight, actually I am about 3lbs less. How can that be? My exercise routine has been flat out shitty these last couple of months. I will explain that later on in this post, but it has honestly been shitty. I have lost a lot of muscle which reflects positively on the scale, but poorly in my clothes. As far as inches, my measurements have stayed the same. Again, how can this be? I tend to gain weight the fastest in different parts of my back and in my arms. Since these are typically not places that most people measure, they are hard to keep track of. All I know is that I do not feel good about myself. I know that I am far more than how I look, but being healthy has always made me feel good. I miss exercising, and I miss eating healthy.

Birth Control

Throughout the month of September I suffered from constant periods. I had a period that lasted 3 weeks which prompted me to go to my college's nurse practitioner. Because I am bulimic again (I will address this in a future post), we were both worried that I was losing way to much blood. So I was put on an intense birth control regimine to stop my periods and regulate them. By intense I mean that I was instructed to take 3 pills until I stopped bleeding (took 2 days), 2 pills for 5 days, and then 1 for 17 days after that. The pill I was prescribed had a higher dose of hormones which had a negative affect on my body. Anyone who knows me knows that I enjoy eating, but I rarely ever pig out. However, this birth control caused me to have extreme cravings. When I say intense, I would eat an entire pizza to myself at like 11pm at night. I had an intense craving for cake for an entire week, bought that cake, then ate the whole thing in 4 hours. I could go on and on about how much I ate, but we would be here all day. The point is that I was eating things that I never ate, and in quantities my body was not used to. On top of all of this, I was not exercising whatsoever. No, some of the things I ate were not vegan, which I am not proud of at all, but we all make mistakes.

Stress/College

I have undergone an intense amount of stress during this semester. This includes my academics and my social life. I will not go into detail, but there were several events that caused me to spiral out of control. This usually resulted in me not eating, overeating, and not doing any physical activity whatsoever. Also, anyone who has been to college knows how difficult it can be to eat healthy. I attend college in a very rural area, and without a car, it makes it very difficult for me to go to the grocery store. Also, the food plan that I chose this semester due to money problems was not very reliable. It resulted in me under eating, or eating shit foods.

Binge Eating
I have dealt with binge eating on and off since the age of 8. Over the last two years I have been able to keep it under control, but over the course of the last month I have not been able to. In order to make up for the weight I gained, my eating disorder returned resulting in me under eating, or not eating out at all. Of course my body wasn't having this, so it attacked. I would then go into full blown binges eating everything and anything I could get my hands on. After doing some research on binge eating (there is a video that really helped me), I am now getting it under control.

The Plan
 Because "I" am not happy where my body is right now both inside and out, there are a number of things I want to start doing to take control of the issue now. Here is a list of things I want to do in order to get everything under control.

1. STOP UNDER EATING. Anyone who is a close friend of mine knows that I tend to under eat. I can go 18 hours without eating due to stress and pure laziness. In order to make sure that I am doing this, I have started to use Myfitnesspal again.I have used my fitness pal on and off over the last couple of years and it holds me accountable for what I eat. As I recover it is painful to write down the crap that I have been eating, but it is helping me to get out denial.
2. STOP BINGE EATING: This amazing video  has REALLY helped me to understand my binge eating disorder. Cambria talks about an entirely different approach to binge eating which is extremely helpful. I suggest watching the entire thing, but if you don't have time skip to about ten minutes in.
3. STOP COMPARING MYSELF: When I am at my lowest, I am big on comparing myself to others. Over the last couple of months I have had friends and family members succeed at their weight loss goals. I am happy for them, but this has made me feel down about my own. We all have different bodies, so it is ridiculous to compare our health goals to other people, but it happens. When I was exercising regularly, and eating healthy foods, I was only focused on my goals. I want to get back into that mindset because that is what made me happy.
4. BECOME A STRICT VEGAN AGAIN: Please alert the vegan police. Over the last few months I have only been eating about 95% vegan. I have gotten lazy on reading labels which has caused me to consume some dairy products. I know to some of you this is not a big deal, but to me it is. I LOVE being vegan. Veganism takes away my stomach pains, my cramping, and gives me more energy overall. Right now I'm sitting here with a very angry stomach because of dairy I consumed a few days ago. Yes, my body is that sensitive to dairy. 
5. EXERCISE: Oh exercise how I miss you so! I have always loved exercise. I love pushing myself to the limits, seeing my progress, and just getting out there and moving. However, I have really been slacking in the exercise department. I used to exercise 5 to 7 days a week, and now I exercise maybe once a month. A lot of it has to do with me being ashamed at how many steps back I have taken. I have become ashamed to go to the gym, or take a walk in general. I miss posting exercise motivation pictures and videos to instagram, so I plan on doing that again. It makes me feel good, and I know I am helping others.
6. TIGHT LACING: The one thing I haven't slacked on these past couple of months is tight lacing.I genuinely enjoy the feeling of tight lacing, and it helps me stay on track. If I eat something bad, my corset will let me know. Also, corseting forces me to do abdominal exercises. I have been slacking when it comes to ab exercises, but it is absolutely crucial when tight lacing. My stomach has become a bowl full of jelly because I haven't been exercising, and I hate it.
7. LOVE MY BODY: I am all for self-love, but I have not been practicing what I preach lately. A lot of this has to do with my confidence being lowered due to the unhealthy lifestyle I have been living. It took me years to stop feeding my body crap, stop starving it, and stop nurturing it in general. I have no idea what my body goals are, but all I know is that I want my body to be happy again.

If you want to join me on my journey back to a healthy lifestyle you can follow me on any of the social media links below. I will not be posting to my instagram @kimiluvly as much due to me being at college.

Vegan Food Insta: @kimiluvly

Instagram: @luvlyjourney

Tumblr: @kimiluvly